Ex-Marine's Discharge Yellow, Honorable

by christopher taylor

SAN DIEGO--LCpl. Antoine Schwartz discovered he had been infected with gonorrhea and accidentally revealed his sexual orientation to a superior officer on Monday.

"I woke up Monday morning with a sore dick," explained Schwartz. "At first I thought it was from ramming it into my boyfriend's ass with excess vigor during our Sunday love-fest. But then I had this burning sensation and thick, yellow discharge when I drained the lizard."

Schwartz immediately went the infirmary, where he was informed he had contracted gonorrhea.

"I went apeshit. I mean, who knew you could get 'the clap' from anal sex?" Schwartz queried.

During Schwartz's confusion, he accidentally informed Sgt. Herbert Pavely that he was a homosexual.

"We had to let him go," Pavely sighed. "He was a good man. But the Marines does not tolerate gays. At least we didn't catch him in the act, and force a less than honorable discharge."