Local Woman Gets Down Off Soapbox, Builds Racer

by christopher taylor

NEWTON, IA--Homemaker Alberta Redmond, after delivering a rousing speech on the evils of water fluoridation to a crowd of uncomfortable playground enthusiasts and confused squirrels, began constructing a soapbox derby racer from the impromptu platform upon which he had been standing.

"I thought her oration could use some work," commented disc golfer Misty Grant. "But her decision to bring her own non-contraband baby coach wheels to put the racer together was smart."

"We've been thinking of adding some kind of track for racers to Maytag Park for years," Park Superintendent Dave Blackett explained. "And we could really use a freestanding podium for speeches. The bandshell benches are so uncomfortable. Perhaps Ms. Redmond's actions will spurn the City Council into allocating some funds."