English Professor Gives Up, Admits "They" Acceptable Third-Person Singular Pronoun

by christopher taylor

LAWRENCE, KS--Professor Amy Devitt, of the University of Kansas English Department, after reading their one-thousandth undergraduate essay that used "they" as a third-person singular pronoun decided to announce they have "given up."

"There's been a trend for several centuries toward incorporating a gender-neutral third-person singular pronoun--other than 'it'--into the English language," explained Devitt. "And especially in recent years, since the explosion of feminists demanding equality in language, the trend toward a singular they has become virtually unstoppable."

"There are some things even English professors cannot do," Devitt muttered while tracing "Canute" in the dust on their desk.

"They tried to instruct me to use 'he' where I did not want to specify the gender of the individual to whom I was referring," Jeremiah Jones, the student who wrote the straw-camel essay in question, gloated. "I found that a sexist tradition. But the 'she' trend amongst philosophers and other academics strikes me as inordinately silly. So I started writing things like, 'Taylor beat their spouse to death. They were convicted of manslaughter.' I feel glorious now that Professor Devitt has finally come around."