Baskin Dunkin Wins Togo Presidency

by christopher taylor

LOME, TG--Togo voters ignored reports of violence to elect a new president Sunday, choosing among the son of their late dictator, two native-born rivals, and Baskin Dunkin, an American-born late entry to the race. Despite widespread reports of voter fraud, preliminary returns indicate Dunkin is in the lead.

Dunkin, a naturalized Togo citizen, campaigned strongly over the past few weeks on a platform that surprised many.

"Dunkin, like his rivals, strongly advocated reducing the widespread violence that has crippled the country since President Gnassingbe Eyadema died in February," explained Ronald McDonald, the head of African Studies Department at the University of Hardees in Lome. "But Dunkin also promised the Togolese people free coffee, free ice cream, and free submarine sandwiches."

Dunkin's primary rival, Faure Gnassingbe, is said to be on the verge of conceding defeat.

"He's waiting until the returns are verified by the international community," Baby Bob Quizno, a member of Gnassingbe's campaign staff, said. "Then he's going to see if Dunkin will deliver on his 'doughnuts for all' boast before instigating a military coup."

Bob Akitani, another Togolese presidential candidate, has promised a Bush v. Gore-style lawsuit should Dunkin appear victorious. Insiders in his campaign have suggested this is "just talk" given Togo's lack of a viable judiciary.

Candidate Harry Olympio appeared poised to "burst into song" at the news of Dunkin's presumptive win.

"He's always wanted international corporate overlords," related Dave Thomas, Olympio's best friend and former confidant. "Now it looks like his dream is becoming reality."