Philadelphia Beckons Black Hats, Indigent Computer Owners

by christopher taylor

PHILADELPHIA--Last week, Mayor John F. Street's "Wireless Philadelphia" initiative--intended to create a city-wide WiFi network, to "close the digital divide," make the city more attractive to the hacker community, and spur growth in the "broke ass guys with laptops" sector--began its long-awaited rollout.

"We're very excited," Philadelphia's Chief Information Officer Dianah Neff exclaimed. "The prospect of hundreds, or even thousands, of intelligent, albeit disgruntled and poor, computer-savvy individuals coming to the City of Brotherly Love to take advantage of our free wireless Internet access just makes me want to scream with joy."

Some are less pleased. "This will result in an increase in taxes that will be born primarily by the computer illiterate," explained AARP President Marie Smith. "Sure, we have 'access' to the network. But who will provide the laptops? The network cards? The training?"

"I'm most worried about the fact that this will be a giant, open-access network," Supervisory Special Agent Dale Miskell said. "Have you any idea how hard it will be to trace someone who is uploading child pornography if they're able to drive throughout the city, jumping from access point to access point every few seconds?"

Mayor Street was nonplussed. "These people just don't realize how much this will save local small businesses. And how much it will impact positively our failing schools. And how it will finally give me the freedom to look at many crude pornographic drawings from the privacy of my neighborhood park."