Congress Requires Hackers to Label Viruses

by christopher taylor

WASHINGTON, DC--The United States Senate today approved S.253, with a 74 to 25 vote, which imposes criminal sanctions on computer hackers who fail to "identify any viruses, worms, trojan horses, or similar illegal computer software with a 'Caution: Malware' label."

"This is a good day for computer users everywhere," commented one of the bill's sponsors, Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC). "Now the actions of most 'black hats' will be effectively curbed by ever more affordable antivirus software."

"This is a bunch of hooey," Stanford Law School Prof. Lawrence Lessig exclaimed. "Virus writers are already breaking the law. Why would they fear breaking another one? And this law is so poorly drafted and overlapping, it is unlikely anyone could be prosecuted thereunder and not be prosecuted under other anti-hacker laws already on the books.

DeMint, by way of rebuttal, cited several other "prophylactic" bills his staff is currently drafting. "We're going to require murderers to write their home addresses in blood on the walls of their victims' houses," DeMint explained. "We're going to require embezzelers to list their stolen money on their tax returns. And we're going to forbid rapists from using condoms. I don't know why we didn't think of these crime solutions before."