Terri Schiavo Awakens, Slaps Sen. Martinez, Returns to Bed

by christopher taylor

WASHINGTON, DC--Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged poster child for eating disorders, arose from her hospital bed in Florida on Sunday after a lengthy 15-year nap. After squeezing off a pair of mighty yawns, Schiavo took the next flight out of town. Her destination: the office of U.S. Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL), in Washington, D.C.

"Terri had been asleep so long, we thought she'd never get up," Schiavo's doctor said. "Which I think explains why we were perfectly willing to stop feeding her. I mean, why waste all that glucose on a vegetable?"

Although right-to-die opponents greeted Schiavo at the airport with palm fronds and cries of "Hosanna in the highest," Schiavo would have none of it.

"She just kept walking, zombie-like, through the crowds," related a bystander.

Sen. Martinez was reportedly "surprised" by Schiavo's presence in his office.

"[The Senator] had just popped in the office to pick up some paperwork when this woman walked in," explained a Congressional aide who witnessed the encounter. "She walked right up to him and slapped him in the face. He asked who she was. She said, 'Terri Schiavo.' He said, 'Really?' She said, 'Yes.' Then she said, 'Stop interfering with my right to starve myself and my right to maintain a trim figure.' Then he said, 'Okay.' "

Schiavo then reportedly left the Capitol building, checked into a nearby hotel, and fell back asleep. Doctors summoned to her room reported that her condition was exactly as it had been in Florida: hopeless.

Sen. Martinez, who had sponsored the Incapacitated Persons Legal Protection Act of 2005, was reportedly "shaken" by the encounter, and is considering withdrawing his sponsorship from the bill.