Local Hermit Confused by Bush Inauguration

"Where's President Howard Dean?"

by christopher taylor

WHEELING, WV--Howard "Corky" Korth doesn't come down the mountain very often. The recluse Simon & Garfunkel fan makes his annual trek from his tarpaper shack outside Morningview to Wheeling for supplies, news, and companionship with fellow commemorators of the release of The Graduate soundtrack.

"I was excited this year," Korth said. "We're only three years away from the 40th Anniversary. And three is my lucky number."

Korth, following his usual routine, sat down with a copy of the Wheeling News-Register at Undo's Family Restaurant.

"I was shocked to discover George Bush's inauguration on the front page," explained Korth. "What happened to Howard Dean?"

The other restaurant patrons explained about the infamous "Dean Scream," Dean's inability to adjust to being a front-runner, and the Democrats eventual choice of Kerry.

"Kerry? Kerry?" sobbed Korth.

Korth is still pondering whether to take this as a sign he needs to become even more recluse.

"My friend Beth suggested I should start coming to town more, so I'm not so confused by developments in the world," Korth said. "But I'm thinking perhaps I should come down from Morningview less often and hope the country gets some help in the meantime, poor thing."

Korth, as he started heading back up the mountain, muttered, "perhaps three ain't so lucky after all."