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December 14th, 2004

Yushchenko Poisons Self To Improve Complexion

by christopher taylor

VIENNA, AUSTRIA--After being released from a Vienna medical clinic on Sunday, Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko told a reporter he had intentionally adding dioxin to his beet soup.

"I wanted to look young again," confided Yushchenko. "And what is younger looking than a face covered in acne?"

"I had been trying to implicate [Ukrainian prime minister and opponent Viktor] Yanukovych, of course," Yushchenko continued. "But I must come clean. I cannot live with the world believing it was Yanukovych that made me this beautiful.

 Handsome lesions cover a once repulsively smooth face.

Yuschenko's wife Kateryna said Saturday that she and her husband had received numerous threats, and she suspected from the start that there was poison involved. "I wanted to find the man who did this to my husband," Kateryna said. "I wanted to thank him. Now that I know it was Viktor who did this, I'm going not going to have to give my body to a stranger."

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