Local Man Contracts Cancer for Fab Wigs

by christopher taylor

HUNTSVILLE, AL--Retired machinist David Parker smoked unfiltered cigarettes for thirty-three years in order to "get the cancer." Last week, Parker's wish came true.

"I was always a big fan of musicals, and admired the glamorous costumes and fabulous wigs," Parker said. "But, lacking the vocal or choreographic skills to break into the exclusive world of musical theatre, I needed another gimmick to get those wigs on my head without the ridicule."

Parker started smoking three packs a day at 23, hoping to have tumors on his lungs "within a couple of years." Unfortunately, Parker's genetic predisposition towards cancer was low, and it took a bit longer than expected.

"He tried everything to speed things up," explained Parker's ex-wife Crystal Tompkins. "He worked in that coal mine for a few years. He laid asbestos insulation. He moved us into a house near those big power lines. He even stood behind tractor trailers at truck stops."

Last week, Parker received a call from his personal oncologist.

"He said it finally happened," Parker recalled. "He said I got the cancer. And it is the kind that requires chemo. That was the greatest day of my life."

Alison Simpson, owner of Huntsville's "We Sell Wigs" Medical Supply Emporium, told of Parker's exuberance when he purchased fourteen wigs yesterday.

"This guy was euphoric," Simpson said. "He was so happy to try on the gold James Brown model, the fat Elvis model, even the Jackie Kennedy model. Of course we were glad to help him realize his dream."

Parker's oncologist expects he has only a few months to live.