Ol' Dirty Bastard Takes Place as God of Underworld in Egyptian Pantheon

by christopher taylor

LOS ANGELES--Wu-Tang founding member Ol' Dirty Bastard--real name Russell Jones--left this existential plane yesterday in order to relieve Egyptian god of the underworld Osiris while the latter takes a much deserved vacation.

"I'm out, y'all," ODB said. "Gonna judge me some dead people for a few years. Then maybe I'll spend some time in an oversized nativity scene..."

While the causes of ODB's death are currently unknown, the Los Angeles police department would like to put to rest a few rumors. "Let there be no mistake. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest Mr. Jones's penis was severed and tossed into the L.A. river by his cousin Robert Diggs [The RZA]," explained LAPD Chief of Police William J. Bratton. "Nor is there any evidence to suggest Mr. Jones's wife Icelene impregnated herself with Mr. Jones's semen post-mortem. I don't know how these crazy rumors get started. It is so frustrating, having to comment on this Weekly World News bullshit all the time."

Osiris is reportedly "pleased" with ODB's decision to assist him. "Now I get to spend a few months in Memphis with Isis. Man, is that gonna be sweet."