Local Woman Surprised, Disgusted Apple Juice, Not Urine, Dripping from Toilet Seat

by christopher taylor

NEW HOPE, PA--Alice Young, bladder bursting with booze, stopped at a Hess station en route to work. The washroom was typically ill kempt. The toilet seat, however, was atypically damp.

"It was like someone had exploded fourteen centimeters above the seat," Young explained. "There was fluid everywhere."

Young soon discovered, with the nose of a trained flavor chemist, that the liquid in question was not, in fact, urine.

"I smelled apple juice," said Young. "I'll never forget that smell. Mrs. Carpenter, my kindergarten teacher, used to force us to drink room temperature apple juice and eat generic 'Nilla wafers every single day. Now the scent of apple juice, and to a lesser extent 'Nilla wafers, cause me to recall a younger, worser time."

Arvee Singh, the owner of the Hess station, apologized to Ms. Young after she complained about the offending substance, but was as baffled as she as to why it was there.

"Is someone going into my washroom and squeezing apples with body-builder hands?" wondered Singh. "Is someone disposing of miraculously unfermented juice in my toilet with all the care of Louis Farrakhan?"

The Nation of Islam could not be reached for comment.