Local Man Fights Ent Porn

"Naughty, Knotty Pics Threaten Christians, Americans"

by christopher taylor

KERRVILLE, TX--Rev. Earl Garrett, table tennis connoisseur and conservative preacher, railed against a local "pornography" retailer during his weekly radio address yesterday.

"It is sinful," Garrett said. "These peddlers of filth should be run out of town before they corrupt the minds of our youth."

The owner of shop in question--a local convenience store called Bob's Grocery--proffered surprise at Garrett's reaction. "We don't actually sell any nudie magazines. Reverend was just upset about me not attending church the past few weeks. I don't really know what he is talking about, but I think maybe he's referring to the nature magazines, like Audubon Monthly. They've been trying to spruce up their image, lately--pardon the pun--by writing 'NUDE TREES' and the like on the covers. But I dunno anyone, 'cept maybe those walking trees in the Lord of the Rings, that would get off to those pictures.

"In fact we're shepherds of trees," explained Treebeard, a local ent. "While there are a few of us that sometimes finger a burr in our lonelier moments, most of us are holding out for the return of the entwives. We don't generally buy Maple or The Journal of Forest Products for erotic stimulation; we buy those magazines for the same reason a car enthusiast might buy Cars, Cars, Cars or Driver Weekly.

A local youth promised a comment, but was too busy masturbating to an automobile magazine bearing the caption "Nude Mustang," to deliver.