Kansas to Ban Sterile Marriage

by christopher taylor

TOPEKA, KS--The Kansas State Senate voted to approve Senate Bill 2903, which would ban marriages between individuals incapable of "creating life," during a special session yesterday. The Kansas House of Representatives is expected to also approve of the bill during an extra-session vote next week.

"When we were drafting the bill, we just wanted to stop faggots from getting married," said the bill's sponsor, Sen. Bob Lyon. "Most states were on board for that. But then I remembered hearing about this guy in Kentucky that married his car. That isn't a faggot thing. But it is fucked up."

The bill's final text restricts recognized marriage to "consenting adult homo sapiens" whose "partnership is formed for the express and primary purpose of procreation."

"This'll prevent that bitch ex-wife of mine--who had her ovaries out after she went and caught the cancer--from marrying that guy she's been fucking," Sen. Dwayne Umbarger commented. "It'll also keep my daughter's boyfriend locked up. That's why I voted for the bill."

"I like how this lays the groundwork for taking the marriage licenses from post-menopausal women away," Sen. Tim Huelskamp explained. "I also like how it explains in no uncertain terms to my cousin that his horse is off limits when it comes to marital bliss."

Kansas' Governor Kathleen Sebelius is reportedly "horrified" by the bill's overly-broad language, but is hesitant to use her veto power due to "the Kansas voters' documented fear of childless unions" and her "desire to be reelected."