New Year's Eve Doom Materializes

Ridge, "Heightened Security Justified"

by christopher taylor

WASHINGTON, DC--Head of the Department of Homeland Security Tom Ridge asserted "the orange alert going into the new year was justified" by "widespread incidents of terror-inducing events."

"So what if no 'actual' terrorists acted. We had terrorism-like snowstorms in the Pacific Northwest and a huge ball dropping in New York," said Ridge. "Not to mention the fact that my wife had a bit too much champagne last night and is feeling it today. And I had a hangnail. Terrorism comes in all forms, people. As long as someone is terrified, we've still have work to do."